5 horror movies for people who hate scary sh*t

It is officially October. Queue The Addams Family theme song, crunchy fall leaves, Jack-o-Lanterns, candy in bulk, costume isles, and, of course, horror movies.

October is the season of high quality horror. It is when we fright fans feast on new cinema treats, like this year’s Girl on the Third Floor and The Lighthouse, and revisit bloody classics such as the Halloween franchise, Jeepers Creepers, and the like.

The best part about Halloween season is that non-horror fanatics will partake in the occasional scary film. Something about dead leaves, plastic skeletons on front lawns, “sexy” minion costumes, and plastic vampire teeth really get people in the mood to watch their worst fears unfold on a big screen.

Take, for instance It (2017). According to Business Insider, It had the highest grossing opening weekend for a horror movie within the last decade, at a whopping $1.23 million . That may seem like chump change compared to movies like The Avengers and Star Wars, but It beat out other horror movies released in the last ten years by over $50 million. That tells me more than just horror buffs waltzed into theaters during It’s opening weekend. That tells me people like you, my non-scary-movie friends, indulged in some frightening shit, too.

And look, maybe you watched a few scary flicks in the past and they just weren’t your thing; now you avoid them like the plague/zombies/haunted houses [insert your own scary movie trope here]. Perhaps you feel scary movies are overrated, poorly written, lack depth, or are just too freaky?

Well first, you’re wrong. There are many stunning horror flicks out there that have merit. Second, keep reading so I can prove my point.

If you believe horror movies are not your thing, then I challenge you to check out the list below and give one of them a try. These five scary movies are sure to titillate even the most cultured horror aficionados, as well as entertain those who view the horror genre as bloody trash. The following films will keep you on your toes without giving you a heart attack, make you laugh until you cackle, and keep you engrossed with unique dialogue and interesting plot twists. There’s more to these movies than blood and guts and ghouls (oh my!).

Image / Dimension Films

Scream (1996)

In Scream, we follow Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) and her hot friends as they are terrorized by a masked killer. The movie has all the usual horror film tropes: dumb, big breasted blondes, creepy phone calls, dopey cops, silly deaths, and the like. However, the movie is so sly and self aware it will keep you smiling through the hack-and-slash scenes and cliché games of cat-and-mouse. Plus, Scream has more to offer than its cleverness: the movie is credited with revitalizing the horror genre.

In the early 1990s, horror movies were on their way out. According to Benjamin Moore of Forbes, “…horror movies were pretty much dead—unless you count the direct-to-video market…” But then Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson graced us with Scream. “…It cannot be overstated how much of an impact this film had on Hollywood,” writes Moore in “An Ode To 'Scream,' Wes Craven's Last Great Horror Film,” “…[Scream] completely revitalized the genre.”

I promise you, this is the perfect horror movie to start with if scares are not your thing. Plus, even the most avid horror buffs will sit through this classic with you.

Image / IFC Films

Dead Snow (2009)

Yes you have to read subtitles. Yes, it is worth it. Dead Snow is as ridiculous as it gets without being, for lack of a “smarter” word, stupid. In this movie you’ll watch a group of 20-somethings on winter holiday in the mountains. They’re in a cabin without a phone, their car is parked miles away, and the nearest town is so far back the director never even bothers to show us. Of course, silly mistakes are made and suddenly you’re watching uncoordinated, ill-prepared young adults fight off Nazi zombies. Yeah, you read that correctly. Nazi zombies.

Dead Snow is hilarious. It holds a special place in my heart as it was one of the first horror comedies I truly fell in love with. Be forewarned, though, it’s full of gore. In-between belly laughs you’ll see actual bellies split open, bowels steaming as they spill on the snow. This film is not for the faint of heart; it is ideal for those who hate tension but can handle a bit of blood.

Image / Magnolia Pictures

Murder Party (2007)

Okay, sure, “murder” is in the title of this movie. And yes, of course it is gory. True, it involves a small game of human cat-and-mouse. But I promise you, Murder Party is not actually scary. In fact, it’s mostly funny. Director Jeremy Saulnier (director of Green Room and Blue Ruin) perfectly balances suspense and comedy in this flick, making Murder Party one of the best tongue-in-cheek indie horrors I have seen in a long time.

The movie follows a lonely guy, Christopher (played by Chris Sharp), looking for a good time. He finds a flyer for a halloween party and decides to stop by, dressed to the nines in a makeshift cardboard knight costume. Come to find out, the party is a group of boho artists looking to murder someone as an act of creative expression. But they’re really, really bad artists and even worse murderers. People die off like they’re in The Darwin Awards and the film’s commentary on art—and it’s propensity-for-pretension—will tickle anyone in the creative industry.

There are few jump scares, if any, and the gory scenes all have a point. No useless violence in this movie (excluding, of course, people trying to kill some dude for their shitty art project).

Image / Well Go USA

Train to Busan (2016)

If you hate gore then skip this movie. If you’re okay with gore, but find horror to be dull because the scripts may lack substance or the characters are flat, then watch Train to Busan ASAP. I promise you, it will change your mind about scary movies.

Train to Busan offers dimensional characters, stunning action scenes, and social. fucking. commentary.

Many horror buffs out there are rolling their eyes and saying, “Of course there’s social commentary. Most scary movies comment on our society as a whole, this idea is not unique, Grace.” To which I agree. But, horror is stereotypically seen as gore porn, with underdeveloped scripts, poor acting, lame scares, shitty tension, low-budget sets, and the like. Correct me if I am wrong, but horror movies get shat on more often than rom-coms, which is embarrassing.

That being said, for those who do not engage with the horror genre enough to know there are some real treasures out there—glistening diamonds amidst stereotypical mounds of shit—then this is the movie for you. You’ll have to read subtitles, but it is worth it.

The movie centers on a man and his estranged daughter. For her birthday, the daughter begs to go to Busan to see her mother. The father—a workaholic—begrudgingly obliges. But while they’re on the train, the zombie apocalypse happens and that kind of fucks everything up. The two pair up with a few other passengers and together they try to fight their way to Busan, where the plague has yet to infect the city.

This movie may sound like a stereotypical zombie flick, but I promise you that it is anything but. Turn it on and prepare to fall in love.

Image (still from film) / Paladin Pictures

What We Do in the Shadows (2014)

Brought to you by Jemaine Clement (creator of Flight of the Conchords) and Taika Waititi (writer/director of Eagle vs Shark, Boy, and Hunt for the Wilderpeople), I promise you What We Do in the Shadows is nothing short of hysterical. Technically, it is a horror film, but this movie was built for laughs and damn does it deliver.

Shot as a documentary (aka mockumentary), a film crew follows several vampire roommates through their day-to-day (night-to-night?) activities in Wellington. The vamps range in age from two months to a few thousand years old, yet all struggle with new technology, meeting women, fashion trends, and, most importantly, the local werewolves.

I promise you, you will not jump, scream, or shut your eyes in terror during this movie. What We Do in the Shadows is horror-comedy from beginning to end, emphasis on comedy. The most gore you’ll see during this flick are your own sides splitting from laughter (see what I did there? Clever, eh?).

And there you have it! Five horror movies even the faint of heart can enjoy this spooky season. What do you think? Are there any movies you would add to this list?